Friday, October 15, 2004

You ran over a what?

We had a manager once named Daniel. He was a very short statured fellow, but made up for it with inappropriately mentioning Chinese prostitute maneuvers and stealing money from the restaurant.

One night someone had a birthday party, complete with a large gnome piñata. Gnomes don’t really invoke Mexican images to me, but hey, what the heck! The poor guy spilled his candy guts all over the party room floor, and his carcass was split in twain then thrown in the garbage. Those kids got what they wanted from him, now to hell with him.

I came along to clean up the mess and happened upon the gruesome piñata murder scene. Then, I did something so disgraceful, so disrespectful, so inconceivable that you may doubt what you are about to read! I took that gnome and hauled him out to the parking lot, found Daniel's old piece of crap car and wedged half of that sucker into the grill. His poor little legs stuck out as if Daniel had hit him head first and ground the top of him up with the engine's fan blades.

I jammed his head under the driver's side front tire. Not only had Daniel severed on of these poor papier-mâché gnomes at the waist, but he also parked on top of another!!! That brutal, brutal man!

I took a step back and reveled in my handiwork. Amazingly, it looked surprisingly REAL!

So it was that I hid on the roof after work and watched him stumble out to his car. He got there, inebriated, and paused. "What the h#$#!!" He shouted. He walked around, examining the body parts lodged into his rust colored (he claimed it was painted that color, but this paint had a rust like texture) car. He looked around, the parking lot was empty. Nervously he approached the feet. I can't be perfectly positive about this, but from my perspective, he was drunk (we had a tap at the store, and he was known to frequent it after hours) and thought he had run into someone on his way in!!!

He grabbed on to both feet and quickly jerked it out while glancing over his shoulder. He almost fell over as the gnome's bottom half easily ripped out. He noticed it was hollow, tossed it on the ground, got in his car and roared off, crushing the gnome head under his tire without even noticing.

The really scary thing: Just now, as I wrote this, I realized I should have called the cops. Shame on me. Luckily, only a gnome was killed that night.

He found out it was me, and plotted revenge. Another story...

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